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We've come and gone so far...

Now that I'm out of school and I'm looking for apartments miles away, I have all this spare time to think about "the state of things" again. The difference this time is that I'm not depressed and lonely, because I know what I want and I know that I must take the steps I am currently taking to get anywhere near there, so I'm not "confused" about my direction in life (in fact, I feel much more positive about everything after graduating). Now that I've mentioned that in my little pre-post (ironic term, that one) disclaimer, I'll go on with what this is really all about...

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Basically, I'm a little disappointed - and perhaps a little stunned as well - by the evolution (or rather, de-evolution) of my relationships with a number of my old friends. I wonder what they are doing now, what is on their minds on a regular day-to-day basis, what the latest personal troubles and successes are that they've been having... etc.

Most of this applies to the old "BS Night" group, which was, even prior to that, known as the "Pictionary," or "Game Night" group.

I've been thinking about my friends from there a lot recently because while I'll be leaving, so many of the others are still going to be around. Yet, the group seems to be so broken up - and as far as I know, BS Night hasn't happened for a very long time now. I think it's weird how two people can either get closer or further apart, and then others embrace and shun, fracturing the group into many pieces. I don't think it should be so broken, and if they have been broken because of past events, I don't think grudges should be held. People seem to only be growing apart from one another, and in the process, they don't seem to be growing closer to a number of any new people either... and as a result, they're just becoming more and more distant from all other human beings.

If any of you are reading this, correct me if I'm wrong, but... isn't this is the world that so many of us did not understand the point of, and did not think we would let ourselves become a part of? Maybe not... maybe that was just my view of things. But if you do not enjoy experiencing the world from that perspective, then I think you should simply change it. If for some reason you really CANNOT or just do not WANT to hang out with those you were close to in the past, then please, go out and find new people at work, or even just frequent a public place and you might find someone else who does the same. Honestly, I hate to see any of you unhappy and alone, because although I may not speak with you, I still care for you and think of you often. However, I also do not know how many of you would even want to take time to speak with me again if I am not going to stick around in the area for much longer - hence, I have not contacted any of you, except for Jill (and that's still a much rarer occasion than I'd like it to be).

For those of you who have broken off of the group and are totally and completely happy with your lives (you know if you're lying to yourself or not!), then I'm really, truly, genuinely happy for you. I really mean that. And please assume that the majority of this entry does not apply to you. Of course, I don't know how many of you are actually reading this, but... well, that's okay! Maybe you'll run across it somewhere some day. : ]

Anyway... I just want you to all be happy. Please recognize that it is your response to the world around you that determines your own happiness, and that happiness rests in your hands. It can be improved or worsened by others and happenings in the world, but only if you allow it. Ultimately... your happiness, success, and experience and quality of life rests in your hands, and I hope that you all use them to make your life everything you want it to be.
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And you know... I have to mention this individually, because in this light, I never really have: what I just said about me being happy for your happiness, yes... that even goes for Ashley. For a while, I felt bitter and angry when it seemed you were happy, and happy and excited when you were down. But you know, more recently, I think the whole thing we put ourselves through with one another (and all of our poor friends who got stuck in the middle of it all!) was really a shame, because I feel like we'll forever have a warped vision of one another. Whenever I try to think back to the relationship, it doesn't feel like it's warped, but if the intensity of your feelings was truly as real as that of mine, then I believe it just has to be, because I totally felt on the brink of insanity. Even now, (what is it, two YEARS later?) I don't know what was true and what was a lie, and I will never be able to be a close friend of yours for the fear of being manipulated... yet, I know there are other friends of yours who cut ties with you before, and now everything seems okay between you and them. I wonder sometimes if you were just confused for a period of time and kept changing your mind, or seriously misunderstood (which is what I thought for quite some time when we were together), or if everything was intentional and you really are just that good at manipulating people...

Honestly, I just don't know. For a while, I was convinced of the first until one of our last discussions involving what you intended with Pat, as well as what I've learned more recently concerning JJ. Hence, now, the latter is my gut feeling... but perhaps I was misinformed, or if not, perhaps you have changed since then, and it could just be fear of that possibility that put that gut feeling there as a result of past events. Again, I have no idea. I just wanted mention this to give you a general idea of what I understand to be true, as well as to let you know that I have recently been trying a little harder not to label you as strictly one way or another.

I just feel that with what experiences we have to really remember one another... it really is a shame that it had to be what it was.
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To end this (as it's becoming quite lengthy), I'd just like to say, "thank you" to those who've been there for me, even if you had just one of those close, personal talks with me if it was just at one seemingly "small" point in my life...

Seriously, without just ONE of those moments, I would not be who I am. Yes, people say this kind of thing all the time, but I honestly don't know if I could have transitioned at all if I didn't feel like I had such good people for friends who would accept me as I am - hell, I may not have even been alive today if it weren't for you. My old plan was to get a new face, a new name, hop a train to a big city like California, deny my past as female and start from scratch. But with you asking me questions you didn't understand, and then accepting it... that just helped me to face my past, which I now use to help others who will have to face the same challenges that I did.

So even if I never speak to you or see you again, I just want to let you know how grateful I am for all that you did for me. Thank you so much.

- Xander

And for as often as I've changed my name, a rose is still a rose by any other name. : P


Jun. 11th, 2008 12:36 pm (UTC)
Aww, you're welcome, Jill. ^^

Love you, too. <3