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It's over. Yet, I'm not over her...

I figured I'd make the previous two entries visible to friends now that I'm not so drastically hateful and suicidal.

Anyway... we're no longer a couple. No second chances. At least we're still best friends...... right?

It's better than hating each other. I don't ever want to hate her... but they say the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. And emotionally... that's exactly where she was.

It's hard loving someone, knowing that person doesn't love you back in the same way. Goodbyes are still a little too awkward and long to feel "normal," I have to stop myself from saying "Hello Love," I get paranoid when she doesn't text me back for a while even though she's still just at work...

Every night I just want to lay next to her and hold her in my arms. I'd stroke her hair for all those nights I felt too tired to lift a finger, kiss her neck for all those times she stayed over when we didn't make love, touch her tenderly and run the tips of my fingers over her skin for all those times when my words weren't enough to tell her how beautiful she was...... and still is.

All of this has caused a major shift in my priorities. She mentioned that our directions in life are different. She has no idea what I plan now. No idea...

...my life can go in any direction, and it'll work. Someday, now... I actually would like children. Unfortunately, they can never be mine biologically, and I know she'd like at least one of hers to be... which really bothers me now, because I wonder if that matters so much to her that it's a major factor in why she thinks what we had wouldn't be able to really "work out" for us. Probably not, but my mind keeps searching for someone or something to blame...

I'm so afraid for the day she finds someone else... because I don't want anyone else. And to think of anyone else being that close to her after I was just sickens me right now. It never did in past relationships, but with her...

Maybe it's just because I was really in love this time. I thought I was before this, but I'd never felt the way I did with her with anyone else. The level of happiness, sadness, pleasure, and pain is unsurpassed by anything else I'd ever experienced in my life. I've never loved like this. And now I never want to again - not if it isn't with her. She said she was tired in the relationship, but I'm tired out of it. I don't want to go through all of that effort just to have this happen to me again, when all I did was not realize that I wasn't showing enough affection.

Like I told her, I was unhappy. If I was unhappy, how could I make anyone else happy? I didn't realize how greatly what I was doing - or not doing - for myself affected what she received from me. A couple of months went by as her feelings for me slowly faded, and she never realized that was happening until it was too late.

It's not my fault. It's not her fault. It's both our fault. I didn't know, and she didn't tell me.

Ugh... there's so much I feel like I can get into right now, but it's just making me depressed all over again as it's all coming back to me. It's as if I just spoke to her minutes ago about the very thing I'm typing at any given moment. So I think I should probably stop for now...

...this is long enough already, anyway.


If you ever have love in your life like I did, don't ever stop showing that person how much you care. Don't suffocate them, either. Think about how much you do for one another and make sure you're doing enough. Otherwise, you'll be so, so sorry when it's gone...

- Xander

We've come and gone so far...

Now that I'm out of school and I'm looking for apartments miles away, I have all this spare time to think about "the state of things" again. The difference this time is that I'm not depressed and lonely, because I know what I want and I know that I must take the steps I am currently taking to get anywhere near there, so I'm not "confused" about my direction in life (in fact, I feel much more positive about everything after graduating). Now that I've mentioned that in my little pre-post (ironic term, that one) disclaimer, I'll go on with what this is really all about...
You do the hokey pokey, and turn yourself around... LJ-cut!Collapse )
- - - - - - - - - - - -

To end this (as it's becoming quite lengthy), I'd just like to say, "thank you" to those who've been there for me, even if you had just one of those close, personal talks with me if it was just at one seemingly "small" point in my life...

Seriously, without just ONE of those moments, I would not be who I am. Yes, people say this kind of thing all the time, but I honestly don't know if I could have transitioned at all if I didn't feel like I had such good people for friends who would accept me as I am - hell, I may not have even been alive today if it weren't for you. My old plan was to get a new face, a new name, hop a train to a big city like California, deny my past as female and start from scratch. But with you asking me questions you didn't understand, and then accepting it... that just helped me to face my past, which I now use to help others who will have to face the same challenges that I did.

So even if I never speak to you or see you again, I just want to let you know how grateful I am for all that you did for me. Thank you so much.

Love,
- Xander


And for as often as I've changed my name, a rose is still a rose by any other name. : P

Feeling good about my body...

So I'll be getting my revision in April, and although my hand's covering the side that really NEEDS the revision (which is why it is covering it, because I don't feel great about it), I'm really pretty happy with the side that's showing. Both nipples will be getting resized, though. I know you might think that the one that's showing looks fine here, but I figure that since I am regularly pretty insecure about its size, I might as well get it resized as long as I feel that the other side requires a revision anyway.



Nevertheless, I'll keeping this up here to remind me to feel good about myself and prove that I can look good - it just takes a little work. I still need to keep working out of course, but even my torso's even looking pretty good lately, thanks to sit-ups, leg lifts, and some yoga.

Cool. B ]

Spring Semester '07.

Must... keep... going...

*Note to self: Adding a "To Do" list online, so you have reminders all over the place that you have no time for leisure.

1.) One extra monologue I have to have ready to perform for Tuesday.
2.) Acting notebook.
3.) One 8-10 page research paper due this friday.
4.) Grotowski research and scene to create and direct.
5.) Send in completed papers and money to surgeon.
6.) Two more 10 page papers (+10 pages of pictures) due next week.
7.) FAFSA.
8.) One 6 page show critique.

Fit in...
- Practice "Morning Glow" for voice.
- Have voice lesson.
- Kung Fu - write detailed walkthrough of fist sets & kata.
- Everything else dealing with props for the show.
- Performances: voice + dance.
- Whatever else I'm not remembering...


I've been getting an adequate amount of sleep every night, but I feel like a zombie... and there's still a lot more work to be done.

- UnlockT.
We should really learn to trust time. That doesn't mean that we should just let it aimlessly pass us by, but we shouldn't get too impatient with it or ourselves. I think that's a big difference between those who succeed and those who don't. That, and, those who succeed are probably not the ones who deny their dreams. : ]


To everyone: I do love you.

A not-so-detailed update...

Rehearsals have been crazy - between the capstone and Cinderella, on top of two plays to read each week and regular chapter assignments... the only word I could use to describe these past couple of months would be crazy.

Amongst friends and aquaintances... well, let's just say we'll add a little more "crazy" to the pile.

Life got stressful.

I had to go to Philly for a blood test at a very inconvenient time and suffered much difficulty trying not to fall asleep at rehearsal that night... and missed my injection day for the very first time because I ran out and needed a new prescription.

Auditions for "Bat Boy: The Musical" were the best auditions of my life - I learned so much preparing for them and they were so fun! Aaaaand... I got the part of Pan (and will also be part of the chorus). Whoo! I can't wait for that show... <3

I called the pharmacy and realized that I was being an idiot. However, I can now expect to receive more testosterone this coming Monday, and if I inject Tuesday morning I'm basically right back on schedule with Tuesday being my injection day. Only... basically a week behind what it would've been had I not gone "off" schedule at all.

It is now the time for a lot of learning and having fun with it. Need to catch up on reading plays and writing some papers, learning lines for three final performances, and rehearse a lot more for one show that's coming up since the other will be over after this weekend.

I still haven't uploaded pictures from like...over six months ago. Nor have I added the poly symbol to my background. X P


And that, my friends, brings us to the present. I'll tell you more later, but for now I hope you have a wonderful day. :]


P.S. - I really want the last thing Andrew said to me (when I was leaving Taylor's) to be true...
"...and then I felt sick to my stomache. Just instantly sick to my stomache..."

My heart was fluttering...then my blood was boiling...now my stomache is churning...


Sooo much to say...but I'll have to be okay.

What an odd mixture of extremes to recognize today...
I opened the e-mail and it turned out to be just what I was afraid of - not only can I not get an appointment with Dr. Fischer for top surgery over winter break, but she has no more open spots for the rest of the year. At all. And you know what it is that sucks most about this whole predicament? I don't think I'll even have A CHANCE to get casted in a part I really wanted next semester because the costumer will have this huge obstacle he will have to try to work around when this character is supposed to show one hell of a lot of skin. This part...I would just die for. I'm paying attention to my breathing so much and trying what little I know of vocal warm-ups to work on my range so much right now to just give me a fucking CHANCE at getting the part. And now...I...don't know. I just...I don't know what to do. I would have had a CHANCE...it's a part I COULD get if I didn't have these damned lumps jutting out from my chest. They shouldn't fucking BE there and they're going to take so much time and money to get rid of. As far as pain goes, I don't fucking care...at least THIS pain will be gone once I know that they are...and I won't have to worry about getting denied a part because I can't reveal the top half of my not-so-male body.

Maybe someone will have a cancellation. But I can only hope for that...it's out of my hands. I'll need the money by then, too...so I guess I'll still have to try to get it by early December, anyway. Just in case they can slip me in when someone cancels or something...

I think I'm going to visit a local plastic surgeon to see what kind of reconstructive surgery he does. I mean, if he does breast reduction...well, no...no, because that doesn't mean it will make me look male. There's more to the peri-areolar surgery than just that...right? I don't know...but I think I'll visit him anyway......I think. Maybe.

Ugh...and you know what the worst part is? Apparently, I could have scheduled the appointment without clearance from my family doctor and all that shit. If I would've known that, or just tried to schedule an appointment before I thought I could, then I probably COULD HAVE scheduled the appointment over winter break, easily. And now there's $65.00 I'm not going to get back because they don't want that information until 2-3 weeks before the surgery. I could have CHANGED the outcome of this if only I took more (of what I thought would have been "stupid" and "annoying") action.

Oh, my sweet, sweet suicide...the thought of embracing you right now appeals so much to me at this very moment. It's simply sickening.

I must keep control of myself...


BTW - Every day I want to rip you leeches the fuck off.
1.) I am fucking OBSESSED with Bat Boy: The Musical right now.

2.) Kaitlin is helping me out with my voice, and I am so unbelievably thankful for that. I MUST get a...a part I'm after in that musical...and I'm working my fucking ass off for it.

3.) I just realized I'm saying "fuck" and "fucking" a tad more often lately...perhaps due to hearing so much of it in The Laramie Project rehearsals.

4.) I saved my car from getting towed yesterday and am now currently parking...er, down a couple of blocks and around a corner away from the campus theater.

5.) I'm definitely getting home even later now, and am pretty much finding it impossible to complete my work for every class (I started off so well, but I think it's pretty much inevitable with everything I'm doing in the theatre department at the moment). We actually have two rehearsals tomorrow...one from 3:00PM - 5:30PM and another from 7:00PM - whenever Joe and Naomi and whoever else are all done giving us notes for the night. I really hope this show goes well...it's a hell of a lot of work.

6.) People really like the poster! ^____^

7.) My face is annoying...and so is YUR MOM'S. Betch. Apparently, some Dartians were quite unaware of how much I comment on everyone else's mothers.

8.) I'm lacking energy, and I seem to go to bed and wake up feeling pretty much the same as I did before, anyway. Like sleeping makes no difference whatsoever...but I try to keep in mind that it does do at least SOME good. Not sleeping at all would just be plain stupid.

9.) I'm still having issues finding something to trigger certain emotions as characters in my performances. Right now, that's for Harry Woods in Kaufman's TLP and Treplev in Chekov's The Seagull. I think I just need to work on something more concrete...and I guess running lines outside of rehearsals with another human being could help, too. It's just...everyone's always asleep when I'm awake here. But I suppose I'll figure it out.

10.) My most recent shot was this Tuesday, September 19th, and it took me over two hours again. Left side. Last time was on the right side and it didn't even take me half an hour. Caroline told me about this awesome thing I could probably buy to make it a HELL of a lot easier, though. I hope I can find it...

11.) Yeah, I'm typing this up right now instead of doing work or showering or sleeping. I don't really want to, but...apparently, I want to do it more than sleep or shower right now.

12.) I really need to go for that CBC test and see what's inside of the e-mail reply from Dr. Fischer that I recieved a few days ago. I'm absolutely terrified of not being able to get the surgery done before auditions for Bat Boy: The Musical...

13.) Financial Aid = still NOTHING. I kind of don't know what I'm going to do. Perhaps I'll just find out when the school tells me, "oh, by the way...you owe us about $12,000 for the semester." However, I'm going to make it a point to check up at least one more time during the second week of Cinderella rehearsals, anyway.

14.) I wore the pin for Peace Day today (er...well, which is now yesterday), Hugh. :]

15.) As always, there's more to say...but my shower and bed are calling to me.


Therefore, I bid goodnight to you all...

Peace. Love. Happiness.

Ow...

...my torso hurts...my throat hurts...my brain and the whole enclosed surface around it hurts...

Every single time, I don't think it will happen again...and I feel like such a fool when it does, because I know that everyone on the outside must be expecting it. I thought they weren't anymore, though...which, come to think of it, maybe they weren't...but I don't think they'd be suprised, either...

I'm so confused right now, and it probably wouldn't even matter if I tried to explain anything to anyone. It only ever ends up in more misunderstandings...

I keep telling myself it would be smart to stop explaining anything and that it would just be better to not say what I think about anything, but I don't think I like it when other people do that and I don't want to do something I wouldn't want other people to do. Even though I always seem to anyway, but...I want to be able to express myself without worrying about what other people want me to express or not express.

It's just really annoying and unbelievably heartbreaking at the same time...