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I opened the e-mail and it turned out to be just what I was afraid of - not only can I not get an appointment with Dr. Fischer for top surgery over winter break, but she has no more open spots for the rest of the year. At all. And you know what it is that sucks most about this whole predicament? I don't think I'll even have A CHANCE to get casted in a part I really wanted next semester because the costumer will have this huge obstacle he will have to try to work around when this character is supposed to show one hell of a lot of skin. This part...I would just die for. I'm paying attention to my breathing so much and trying what little I know of vocal warm-ups to work on my range so much right now to just give me a fucking CHANCE at getting the part. And now...I...don't know. I just...I don't know what to do. I would have had a CHANCE...it's a part I COULD get if I didn't have these damned lumps jutting out from my chest. They shouldn't fucking BE there and they're going to take so much time and money to get rid of. As far as pain goes, I don't fucking care...at least THIS pain will be gone once I know that they are...and I won't have to worry about getting denied a part because I can't reveal the top half of my not-so-male body.

Maybe someone will have a cancellation. But I can only hope for that...it's out of my hands. I'll need the money by then, too...so I guess I'll still have to try to get it by early December, anyway. Just in case they can slip me in when someone cancels or something...

I think I'm going to visit a local plastic surgeon to see what kind of reconstructive surgery he does. I mean, if he does breast reduction...well, no...no, because that doesn't mean it will make me look male. There's more to the peri-areolar surgery than just that...right? I don't know...but I think I'll visit him anyway......I think. Maybe.

Ugh...and you know what the worst part is? Apparently, I could have scheduled the appointment without clearance from my family doctor and all that shit. If I would've known that, or just tried to schedule an appointment before I thought I could, then I probably COULD HAVE scheduled the appointment over winter break, easily. And now there's $65.00 I'm not going to get back because they don't want that information until 2-3 weeks before the surgery. I could have CHANGED the outcome of this if only I took more (of what I thought would have been "stupid" and "annoying") action.

Oh, my sweet, sweet suicide...the thought of embracing you right now appeals so much to me at this very moment. It's simply sickening.

I must keep control of myself...

BTW - Every day I want to rip you leeches the fuck off.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 23rd, 2006 11:33 pm (UTC)
Love...suicide is not the answer. It is only an escape which causes more pain for the ones who do live.
Considering how your doctors are treating you, I'd either discuss with them that you need ALL information or find a new place.
As for the play...people are bastards who don't care about the beauty and art within the soul and not just better looking people.
Sep. 24th, 2006 05:24 am (UTC)
Well...heh, I'm actually not feeling too bad about it now.

I'm trying to think positively on the whole thing now and...well, it's working. My LJ always seems to make me look like such a miserable angsty overdramatic person, but I'm not usually this...emotional.

I do realize what it is that you said about suicide...which is why the thought of it both sickened me and made me say that I have to "keep control of myself." It's a thought that happens to cross my mind at times when my emotions start to get the better of my rationality.

I don't think the doctors are really to blame, either...I mean, I chose to use e-mail. I chose not to try scheduling sooner anyway. It's not just a lack of clarity that's to blame - it's everything involved, which I must accept, at the very LEAST, partial responsibility for. The receptionist I got the e-mail from probably thought everything was crystal clear, so it wouldn't be fair to place the blame on her or the doctors.

And the play...well, they actually really do care about the art...it's a University setting. I mean, I imagine it would be hard for them to think of what they could do when the script calls for this character to be naked on the stage. I know my school wouldn't go that far, but I definitly think the immediate image will be down to underwear.

However, I've been thinking things over...and I'm feeling much better about all of this now. In fact, I've found this is actually quite convenient because I wouldn't be able to do everything to my best ability while trying to recover from the surgery, anyway. Especially physically. Which I didn't even really think of until after I posted this entry and spoke with a few people about it...

Also, I'm in NO WAY guaranteed this part. I just feel like I have a chance and would hate to get turned down from the part BECAUSE I have a seemingly impossible-to-overcome costuming obstacle. Which I just realized...is not impossible to overcome. I have ideas, but...well, this reply is turning into another entry within itself. I may have to write another journal about this some time soon.

Anyway, thank you taking the time to reply and everything...I feel much better getting all of this out to you and letting people know I'm okay now...the predicament was just very devastating at first.
Sep. 28th, 2006 10:09 pm (UTC)

i don't know you but i saw an entry you posted in the "ftm" community. i think my loss might be your saving grace. see, i was scheduled for surgery with dr. fischer on december sixth (consultation on the 5th, surgery on the 6th at 12pm) but a check i was relying on fell through. i am going to have to call and postpone my date. i don't know how i would go about switching your date for mine, but since i have yet to call and it seems you need it soon i thought you'd be interested. my email is cody.kidwiler@gmail.com and it's the best shot at contacting me.

good luck,
Oct. 5th, 2006 03:39 am (UTC)
Re: surgery

I have to tell you...I really do appreciate you posting this, and I'm very sorry that I didn't reply sooner. I haven't had much time online until now.

However, I've decided that it would be better for me to wait...both financially and for my career. It's difficult no matter when I'd decide to do it, but after thinking about it...the timing of surgery at the beginning of the summer would probably be the most beneficial for me.

Nevertheless...I really, really appreciate this gesture...thank you so much.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )