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It's over. Yet, I'm not over her...

I figured I'd make the previous two entries visible to friends now that I'm not so drastically hateful and suicidal.

Anyway... we're no longer a couple. No second chances. At least we're still best friends...... right?

It's better than hating each other. I don't ever want to hate her... but they say the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. And emotionally... that's exactly where she was.

It's hard loving someone, knowing that person doesn't love you back in the same way. Goodbyes are still a little too awkward and long to feel "normal," I have to stop myself from saying "Hello Love," I get paranoid when she doesn't text me back for a while even though she's still just at work...

Every night I just want to lay next to her and hold her in my arms. I'd stroke her hair for all those nights I felt too tired to lift a finger, kiss her neck for all those times she stayed over when we didn't make love, touch her tenderly and run the tips of my fingers over her skin for all those times when my words weren't enough to tell her how beautiful she was...... and still is.

All of this has caused a major shift in my priorities. She mentioned that our directions in life are different. She has no idea what I plan now. No idea...

...my life can go in any direction, and it'll work. Someday, now... I actually would like children. Unfortunately, they can never be mine biologically, and I know she'd like at least one of hers to be... which really bothers me now, because I wonder if that matters so much to her that it's a major factor in why she thinks what we had wouldn't be able to really "work out" for us. Probably not, but my mind keeps searching for someone or something to blame...

I'm so afraid for the day she finds someone else... because I don't want anyone else. And to think of anyone else being that close to her after I was just sickens me right now. It never did in past relationships, but with her...

Maybe it's just because I was really in love this time. I thought I was before this, but I'd never felt the way I did with her with anyone else. The level of happiness, sadness, pleasure, and pain is unsurpassed by anything else I'd ever experienced in my life. I've never loved like this. And now I never want to again - not if it isn't with her. She said she was tired in the relationship, but I'm tired out of it. I don't want to go through all of that effort just to have this happen to me again, when all I did was not realize that I wasn't showing enough affection.

Like I told her, I was unhappy. If I was unhappy, how could I make anyone else happy? I didn't realize how greatly what I was doing - or not doing - for myself affected what she received from me. A couple of months went by as her feelings for me slowly faded, and she never realized that was happening until it was too late.

It's not my fault. It's not her fault. It's both our fault. I didn't know, and she didn't tell me.

Ugh... there's so much I feel like I can get into right now, but it's just making me depressed all over again as it's all coming back to me. It's as if I just spoke to her minutes ago about the very thing I'm typing at any given moment. So I think I should probably stop for now...

...this is long enough already, anyway.

If you ever have love in your life like I did, don't ever stop showing that person how much you care. Don't suffocate them, either. Think about how much you do for one another and make sure you're doing enough. Otherwise, you'll be so, so sorry when it's gone...

- Xander


Aug. 12th, 2008 04:20 pm (UTC)
The last relationship I had with a female before this one ended more like that, as far as not spending time together and such... that one doesn't bother me. It ended similarly, but that one I was fine with.

With this one, we were very close before the relationship even started, and it seems we're going back to that best friend relationship we had previous to the romantic feelings. So there's still this level of personal intimacy and everything that neither of us want to get rid of. And it's not like we argue or anything...

At the moment, we talk on the phone every day... but it's hard to spend time together because we're 2+ hours apart now (my friends are also all where she is, aside from my roommate). And things basically ended in an explosion on the day I moved.

Also, I know that as an introvert, I become depressed quite easily. : /

I know you're just trying to help by reassuring me that everything will be alright and life goes on, but... it's just hard to get over right now... and I really don't even want to get over it, because I don't want to accept it... and this is the first time I've ever had such difficulty.

I couldn't explain this instance to you if you hadn't experienced it. And the transformation it's made in me as a person is just... astounding. It's basically that of Pippin. But imagine how distraught Pippin would be after changing everything he wanted in life... and then Catherine left him.
Aug. 12th, 2008 04:47 pm (UTC)
no, i get it. i cant understand your experience, obviously. but i had what i feel was a similar experience for myself and i know i felt practically the same as you're describing.

i didn't want to get over it. i still dont. but i realized that continuing to have that hope was a poison to my system. hopefully things work out better for you.

and score one for pippin reference! :)
Aug. 13th, 2008 01:03 am (UTC)
Yeah... I know it's not healthy. : /

In the past, I have loved for years in instances where nothing came from it. But I suppose only time will tell at this point...