I figured I'd make the previous two entries visible to friends now that I'm not so drastically hateful and suicidal.

Anyway... we're no longer a couple. No second chances. At least we're still best friends...... right?

It's better than hating each other. I don't ever want to hate her... but they say the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. And emotionally... that's exactly where she was.

It's hard loving someone, knowing that person doesn't love you back in the same way. Goodbyes are still a little too awkward and long to feel "normal," I have to stop myself from saying "Hello Love," I get paranoid when she doesn't text me back for a while even though she's still just at work...

Every night I just want to lay next to her and hold her in my arms. I'd stroke her hair for all those nights I felt too tired to lift a finger, kiss her neck for all those times she stayed over when we didn't make love, touch her tenderly and run the tips of my fingers over her skin for all those times when my words weren't enough to tell her how beautiful she was...... and still is.

All of this has caused a major shift in my priorities. She mentioned that our directions in life are different. She has no idea what I plan now. No idea...

...my life can go in any direction, and it'll work. Someday, now... I actually would like children. Unfortunately, they can never be mine biologically, and I know she'd like at least one of hers to be... which really bothers me now, because I wonder if that matters so much to her that it's a major factor in why she thinks what we had wouldn't be able to really "work out" for us. Probably not, but my mind keeps searching for someone or something to blame...

I'm so afraid for the day she finds someone else... because I don't want anyone else. And to think of anyone else being that close to her after I was just sickens me right now. It never did in past relationships, but with her...

Maybe it's just because I was really in love this time. I thought I was before this, but I'd never felt the way I did with her with anyone else. The level of happiness, sadness, pleasure, and pain is unsurpassed by anything else I'd ever experienced in my life. I've never loved like this. And now I never want to again - not if it isn't with her. She said she was tired in the relationship, but I'm tired out of it. I don't want to go through all of that effort just to have this happen to me again, when all I did was not realize that I wasn't showing enough affection.

Like I told her, I was unhappy. If I was unhappy, how could I make anyone else happy? I didn't realize how greatly what I was doing - or not doing - for myself affected what she received from me. A couple of months went by as her feelings for me slowly faded, and she never realized that was happening until it was too late.

It's not my fault. It's not her fault. It's both our fault. I didn't know, and she didn't tell me.

Ugh... there's so much I feel like I can get into right now, but it's just making me depressed all over again as it's all coming back to me. It's as if I just spoke to her minutes ago about the very thing I'm typing at any given moment. So I think I should probably stop for now...

...this is long enough already, anyway.


If you ever have love in your life like I did, don't ever stop showing that person how much you care. Don't suffocate them, either. Think about how much you do for one another and make sure you're doing enough. Otherwise, you'll be so, so sorry when it's gone...

- Xander

Now that I'm out of school and I'm looking for apartments miles away, I have all this spare time to think about "the state of things" again. The difference this time is that I'm not depressed and lonely, because I know what I want and I know that I must take the steps I am currently taking to get anywhere near there, so I'm not "confused" about my direction in life (in fact, I feel much more positive about everything after graduating). Now that I've mentioned that in my little pre-post (ironic term, that one) disclaimer, I'll go on with what this is really all about...
( You do the hokey pokey, and turn yourself around... LJ-cut! )
- - - - - - - - - - - -
To end this (as it's becoming quite lengthy), I'd just like to say, "thank you" to those who've been there for me, even if you had just one of those close, personal talks with me if it was just at one seemingly "small" point in my life...

Seriously, without just ONE of those moments, I would not be who I am. Yes, people say this kind of thing all the time, but I honestly don't know if I could have transitioned at all if I didn't feel like I had such good people for friends who would accept me as I am - hell, I may not have even been alive today if it weren't for you. My old plan was to get a new face, a new name, hop a train to a big city like California, deny my past as female and start from scratch. But with you asking me questions you didn't understand, and then accepting it... that just helped me to face my past, which I now use to help others who will have to face the same challenges that I did.

So even if I never speak to you or see you again, I just want to let you know how grateful I am for all that you did for me. Thank you so much.

Love,
- Xander


And for as often as I've changed my name, a rose is still a rose by any other name. : P

So I'll be getting my revision in April, and although my hand's covering the side that really NEEDS the revision (which is why it is covering it, because I don't feel great about it), I'm really pretty happy with the side that's showing. Both nipples will be getting resized, though. I know you might think that the one that's showing looks fine here, but I figure that since I am regularly pretty insecure about its size, I might as well get it resized as long as I feel that the other side requires a revision anyway.



Nevertheless, I'll keeping this up here to remind me to feel good about myself and prove that I can look good - it just takes a little work. I still need to keep working out of course, but even my torso's even looking pretty good lately, thanks to sit-ups, leg lifts, and some yoga.

Cool. B ]

Must... keep... going...

*Note to self: Adding a "To Do" list online, so you have reminders all over the place that you have no time for leisure.

1.) One extra monologue I have to have ready to perform for Tuesday.
2.) Acting notebook.
3.) One 8-10 page research paper due this friday.
4.) Grotowski research and scene to create and direct.
5.) Send in completed papers and money to surgeon.
6.) Two more 10 page papers (+10 pages of pictures) due next week.
7.) FAFSA.
8.) One 6 page show critique.

Fit in...
- Practice "Morning Glow" for voice.
- Have voice lesson.
- Kung Fu - write detailed walkthrough of fist sets & kata.
- Everything else dealing with props for the show.
- Performances: voice + dance.
- Whatever else I'm not remembering...


I've been getting an adequate amount of sleep every night, but I feel like a zombie... and there's still a lot more work to be done.

- UnlockT.

We should really learn to trust time. That doesn't mean that we should just let it aimlessly pass us by, but we shouldn't get too impatient with it or ourselves. I think that's a big difference between those who succeed and those who don't. That, and, those who succeed are probably not the ones who deny their dreams. : ]


To everyone: I do love you.

Rehearsals have been crazy - between the capstone and Cinderella, on top of two plays to read each week and regular chapter assignments... the only word I could use to describe these past couple of months would be crazy.

Amongst friends and aquaintances... well, let's just say we'll add a little more "crazy" to the pile.

Life got stressful.

I had to go to Philly for a blood test at a very inconvenient time and suffered much difficulty trying not to fall asleep at rehearsal that night... and missed my injection day for the very first time because I ran out and needed a new prescription.

Auditions for "Bat Boy: The Musical" were the best auditions of my life - I learned so much preparing for them and they were so fun! Aaaaand... I got the part of Pan (and will also be part of the chorus). Whoo! I can't wait for that show... <3

I called the pharmacy and realized that I was being an idiot. However, I can now expect to receive more testosterone this coming Monday, and if I inject Tuesday morning I'm basically right back on schedule with Tuesday being my injection day. Only... basically a week behind what it would've been had I not gone "off" schedule at all.

It is now the time for a lot of learning and having fun with it. Need to catch up on reading plays and writing some papers, learning lines for three final performances, and rehearse a lot more for one show that's coming up since the other will be over after this weekend.

I still haven't uploaded pictures from like...over six months ago. Nor have I added the poly symbol to my background. X P


And that, my friends, brings us to the present. I'll tell you more later, but for now I hope you have a wonderful day. :]


P.S. - I really want the last thing Andrew said to me (when I was leaving Taylor's) to be true...

"...and then I felt sick to my stomache. Just instantly sick to my stomache..."

My heart was fluttering...then my blood was boiling...now my stomache is churning...


Sooo much to say...but I'll have to be okay.

What an odd mixture of extremes to recognize today...

I opened the e-mail and it turned out to be just what I was afraid of - not only can I not get an appointment with Dr. Fischer for top surgery over winter break, but she has no more open spots for the rest of the year. At all. And you know what it is that sucks most about this whole predicament? I don't think I'll even have A CHANCE to get casted in a part I really wanted next semester because the costumer will have this huge obstacle he will have to try to work around when this character is supposed to show one hell of a lot of skin. This part...I would just die for. I'm paying attention to my breathing so much and trying what little I know of vocal warm-ups to work on my range so much right now to just give me a fucking CHANCE at getting the part. And now...I...don't know. I just...I don't know what to do. I would have had a CHANCE...it's a part I COULD get if I didn't have these damned lumps jutting out from my chest. They shouldn't fucking BE there and they're going to take so much time and money to get rid of. As far as pain goes, I don't fucking care...at least THIS pain will be gone once I know that they are...and I won't have to worry about getting denied a part because I can't reveal the top half of my not-so-male body.

Maybe someone will have a cancellation. But I can only hope for that...it's out of my hands. I'll need the money by then, too...so I guess I'll still have to try to get it by early December, anyway. Just in case they can slip me in when someone cancels or something...

I think I'm going to visit a local plastic surgeon to see what kind of reconstructive surgery he does. I mean, if he does breast reduction...well, no...no, because that doesn't mean it will make me look male. There's more to the peri-areolar surgery than just that...right? I don't know...but I think I'll visit him anyway......I think. Maybe.

Ugh...and you know what the worst part is? Apparently, I could have scheduled the appointment without clearance from my family doctor and all that shit. If I would've known that, or just tried to schedule an appointment before I thought I could, then I probably COULD HAVE scheduled the appointment over winter break, easily. And now there's $65.00 I'm not going to get back because they don't want that information until 2-3 weeks before the surgery. I could have CHANGED the outcome of this if only I took more (of what I thought would have been "stupid" and "annoying") action.

Oh, my sweet, sweet suicide...the thought of embracing you right now appeals so much to me at this very moment. It's simply sickening.

I must keep control of myself...


BTW - Every day I want to rip you leeches the fuck off.

1.) I am fucking OBSESSED with Bat Boy: The Musical right now.

2.) Kaitlin is helping me out with my voice, and I am so unbelievably thankful for that. I MUST get a...a part I'm after in that musical...and I'm working my fucking ass off for it.

3.) I just realized I'm saying "fuck" and "fucking" a tad more often lately...perhaps due to hearing so much of it in The Laramie Project rehearsals.

4.) I saved my car from getting towed yesterday and am now currently parking...er, down a couple of blocks and around a corner away from the campus theater.

5.) I'm definitely getting home even later now, and am pretty much finding it impossible to complete my work for every class (I started off so well, but I think it's pretty much inevitable with everything I'm doing in the theatre department at the moment). We actually have two rehearsals tomorrow...one from 3:00PM - 5:30PM and another from 7:00PM - whenever Joe and Naomi and whoever else are all done giving us notes for the night. I really hope this show goes well...it's a hell of a lot of work.

6.) People really like the poster! ^____^

7.) My face is annoying...and so is YUR MOM'S. Betch. Apparently, some Dartians were quite unaware of how much I comment on everyone else's mothers.

8.) I'm lacking energy, and I seem to go to bed and wake up feeling pretty much the same as I did before, anyway. Like sleeping makes no difference whatsoever...but I try to keep in mind that it does do at least SOME good. Not sleeping at all would just be plain stupid.

9.) I'm still having issues finding something to trigger certain emotions as characters in my performances. Right now, that's for Harry Woods in Kaufman's TLP and Treplev in Chekov's The Seagull. I think I just need to work on something more concrete...and I guess running lines outside of rehearsals with another human being could help, too. It's just...everyone's always asleep when I'm awake here. But I suppose I'll figure it out.

10.) My most recent shot was this Tuesday, September 19th, and it took me over two hours again. Left side. Last time was on the right side and it didn't even take me half an hour. Caroline told me about this awesome thing I could probably buy to make it a HELL of a lot easier, though. I hope I can find it...

11.) Yeah, I'm typing this up right now instead of doing work or showering or sleeping. I don't really want to, but...apparently, I want to do it more than sleep or shower right now.

12.) I really need to go for that CBC test and see what's inside of the e-mail reply from Dr. Fischer that I recieved a few days ago. I'm absolutely terrified of not being able to get the surgery done before auditions for Bat Boy: The Musical...

13.) Financial Aid = still NOTHING. I kind of don't know what I'm going to do. Perhaps I'll just find out when the school tells me, "oh, by the way...you owe us about $12,000 for the semester." However, I'm going to make it a point to check up at least one more time during the second week of Cinderella rehearsals, anyway.

14.) I wore the pin for Peace Day today (er...well, which is now yesterday), Hugh. :]

15.) As always, there's more to say...but my shower and bed are calling to me.


Therefore, I bid goodnight to you all...

Peace. Love. Happiness.

...my torso hurts...my throat hurts...my brain and the whole enclosed surface around it hurts...

Every single time, I don't think it will happen again...and I feel like such a fool when it does, because I know that everyone on the outside must be expecting it. I thought they weren't anymore, though...which, come to think of it, maybe they weren't...but I don't think they'd be suprised, either...

I'm so confused right now, and it probably wouldn't even matter if I tried to explain anything to anyone. It only ever ends up in more misunderstandings...

I keep telling myself it would be smart to stop explaining anything and that it would just be better to not say what I think about anything, but I don't think I like it when other people do that and I don't want to do something I wouldn't want other people to do. Even though I always seem to anyway, but...I want to be able to express myself without worrying about what other people want me to express or not express.

It's just really annoying and unbelievably heartbreaking at the same time...

I really think that I just don't know how to interact with people anymore. Or at least lately. It's like since I've been working all the time, I only know how to interact with the co-workers I'm around all the time...and in turn, somehow forgot how I'm supposed to interact with friends.

What the hell is up with that?

I guess I never really knew how to properly interact with those I'm close to, but I don't think I've ever found myself thinking about it while it was happening before, either. Seriously, I'm a terrible person to be close to if you don't want criticism. I view it as constructive, but other people really just don't want to be corrected all of the time - especially on things they'd see as insignificant. Sure, I can help it...but I'd just be fake if I did. So I try to just keep my mouth shut instead of lying. But then it builds up, and it doesn't even have to be something very big to make me feel so god-damned irritated by it. It can be something with little significance, but it could annoy the hell out of me. I wish things like that wouldn't, but they just DO. I can't just change that overnight - it already takes a lot of effort to control it as much as I do now. I try to supress it, but then I'm just not responding to it at all...because if I DO respond, my feelings are probably either going to show through, or I'm going to lie. I don't want to lie, and the other person doesn't want to see how I feel because it'll just make that person feel worse.

So guess what usually happens? I'm asked to respond, and I do honestly. Now the other person probably feels worse because of me. Great. What's even worse is that I think I do this to everybody pretty much all of the time and I don't even know what to do to stop it from happening.

I wish I weren't such a natural asshole. Always fucking upsetting others and aggravating myself...

I hope it's part of the transition...but at the same time, I hope that it isn't. Either way, I just want this to pass.

My trapezius is still hurting from swimming with my binder on earlier today...my acne just keeps spreading and getting worse...and I'd really like to be able to access my image files without the screen freezing up on me because I uploaded some pictures earlier today that I think I passed really well in.

Heh, all of those pictures will probably be gone soon, too...damn my luck this summer.

I spoke with a friend of mine who used to work in The Geek Squad at Best Buy, as well as my grandparents and my mom and her husband about it...and it looks like I'll either be spending as much money to get it fixed as I would to get a new computer, or I'll just be buying another. Or at least close enough to it, and I'm sure it'll be my money this time. It'd have been nice if my grandfather agreed to purchase that warranty...and that Best Buy didn't suck so much. But it really was nice of him to pay for anything at all in the first place...so I guess I really shouldn't expect much more. And even though I don't really get along with him personally, I really do appreciate what he's done for me.

I think I'll have to pay for whatever it is that's wrong with my car tomorrow, too...if so, there will go all of the money I made over the summer for top surgery.

Sometimes...it's really enough to just drive me over the edge...or rather, make me drive myself over the edge of...well, any high surface, I guess.

I wonder how much longer it will take before I really end up doing something drastic to get the money for surgery over this winter break. And I will do everything in my power to do to make it happen. Of course, I'll also try to force myself into somehow doing well in my classes and everything else involving the theatre program...

Hah hah hah...how fucking ideal.

Meanwhile, I'll try to laugh silently to myself about the ironies and injustices of fortune and misfortune in American society today...which I suppose is at least better than crying about it or slitting my wrists.


Freedom forever. Freedom forever...

...should really stop believing in the assumptions they make about what goes on in my head.

But what am I saying? That's all anyone ever believes anymore...but I guess for them, that's better than the alternative. I mean, people just substitute negative words instead of providing any reasoning to understand the actions of another anymore. Words like "bitch," "bastard," "jerk," "slut," "emo," "idiot," "fuck-up," and "asshole," along with many others...

For example:

"Why the hell would he do something like that?"
"Because he's a jerk!"

Honestly...that's no explanation for anything. That explains absolutely nothing on the other person's part and is just too one-sided for me to ever want to listen to. And frankly, whenever I hear someone say anything like that, I usually have to ask how or why they say that. Unless of course, I really just don't care to let the other person explain because I think the person calling someone else such a name is full of shit. But even then...I tell myself I need to hear their side, and I usually do.

But who else really and truly wants to go through the trouble of understanding? It's a long and tedious process, and no one could ever be certain that they really understand things to the full extent of what's going on in another's mind. But I wish they'd at least respect that others have very legitimate reasons for each action taken and not taken.

I'm just getting really sick of being blamed for how others feel...and sick of always waiting for and worrying about someone else's opinion or approval for what I want to do with the time I'm given...and sick of keeping my damn day-to-day complaints to myself. But I'm sure none of that will stop.

Seriously...whenever I give my time to someone else, it always turns out to be for nothing because "I" ruined everything for them. Can someone tell me what the fuck is up with that?


Everything was fine until you thought something was wrong. So please, stop thinking you know all of my answers. Even if you're right about one thing, it doesn't mean you're right about another.

...my mom bought new phones. However, she also bought a new plan. And guess what? That's the only thing of mine she pays for.

Normally, I'd be happy about this, because I had Verizon to begin with and loved it, then she switched me to Cingular with her and her husband (which I really didn't like, but finally started to accept), and now it's back to Verizon. Like I said, I loved Verizon when I had it before. The thing that sucks about this is that every time she does this, I get a new number...and every time, I just started getting used to the previous number. Plus, a lot of people have my old number. I wouldn't be suprised if some even have the number before that.

Also, I mean...the phone itself really isn't bad. It has a camera on it, which I guess is cool, but I really don't need it. Same with the voice activated "call this person" and it calls that person. But really, it's not that necessary to me. I'd much prefer something tiny like the one I've been using (not to mention the thing's pretty effin' durable, considering it was just fine after falling down a floor through an elevator shaft). Also, my old one has this loop on it so I can always tie it around my belt and keep it secure...but oh man, this new one doesn't even have a place for a loop.

I know I probably sound like I'm making a big deal out of something that seems really insignificant, but I hate it when my mom comes home to "suprise" me with something that's going to make simple things more complicated for me. I'm seriously getting ready early to go to the Verizon place at the mall (where she went) to see if I can transfer my old number...and maybe get something a little smaller, even if it's going to have to come out of my own pocket.


Damn...I wish she could've waited to do this until some time after December.

I really need to shower if I don't want to break out even more than I already have been. I'd probably write a poem or something right now if I had anymore mental energy...but I don't. Therefore, after I either shower or clean my face off, I'll probably just apply my perscription medicine to a mosquito bite before it swells up to the size of my forearm and then go straight to bed.

I think someone doesn't want me to feel invisible. Today, I was fine with it. When I first started to feel that way, I didn't really like it...but after assessing the situation, I figured it would be better than the alternative, and so, let it happen...so then I actually tried to continue the rest of the day that way on purpose. Which again, I was fine with...until I felt too much attention was being paid to me. Really, I don't think there was much reason for it to be, unless it's just that it looked like I was being left out somehow...but...

Well, I could get into a lot more about how I feel right now, but I really just don't even want to think anymore tonight. It's just that...I tried to do something good for someone else. But that wasn't what was wanted, even though I'm always picked on for doing things just for myself. I can't make myself want a certain thing...sometimes I may want the same thing as someone else, but if I don't, then I have to choose whether to do what would be better for me, or what would be better for the other person.

And with today being the first time in a long time in which I've submitted as much of myself to doing what I thought was better for the other person, it's now even clearer to me as to why I usually chose to go with what's better for me.


I can satisfy myself with the choices I make. I just don't think I can ever truly satisfy anyone else...

Fuck...

From now on, I am not going to try working with my camera when I am tired. I just lost the forty minute Sexual Harassment Man video that I recorded tonight. Damn it, people are going to be so disappointed with me...they wanted me to post it on that "You Tube" site. Seems I either keep letting people down, or I'm dangerously close to it with everything I do... >.<

Gah.

Maybe I'll play one of the new Gackt CD's Doxia gave me...perhaps that will keep my mind off of my blunder. As well as other things, such as passing with this new haircut and hoping I don't look like a butch lesbian. Of course, I may just take more myspace-like pictures in an effort to reassure myself that I pass just fine, but the music should help me to relax, nonetheless.

Thanks for that, love...I may not have looked very excited or entralled about the gifts at the time I recieved them, but I really was (and am). I felt it inside, but I'm not so sure if it made it's way outside of more than just my head. I've just been feeling very drained, which I guess I've already kind of mentioned to you with me being down lately, but...well, I don't know what I'm trying to say...

...

Well, no...I do. I want you to know that I really do appreciate the gifts, although I do wish that you would save the money for yourself...and I also do appreciate you just being there for me. And thanks for dealing with me being a recluse...

I wonder if the weather or the time of year is influencing this feeling in me for some reason...seems there's quite a number of people like this lately. I guess there always is, but...well, it's just interesting when friends and co-workers seem to have their minds in the same place...

Eh. "The world may never know."

I can't stand this...I really cannot stand this.

I don't want to be in this house. I don't want to hear anyone's voices. I just want everything and everyone around me to be quiet right now, and that isn't going to happen.

Air conditioners running...TV blasting in the living room...the fucking dogs are barking...people won't shut up...I don't have speakers that are compatible with my computer so I can't drown out the sounds...it's hot...I wish I could just walk around without a shirt on...and overall, I'm just plain moody and don't know what to do with myself because there's a ton of other things bothering me that I'm not even going to let myself get into detail about right now.

Mainly, I'm feeling negative about my ability to succeed.

Also, I'm scared of contacting Beverly Fischer about top surgery and then having to drive yet another entirely new route to meet her. However, I'm even more afraid of being told I can't have the peri-areolar technique done, or having to wait until I find another therapist besides the one I already have (who is two hours away from me as it is) to write a letter of approval for me. I want the surgery to happen before classes start back up again. I don't know if my mom's going to get me her financial information in time to qualify for any aid, and I'm trying to figure out how to make sure nothing happens "too late," and...well, I'm just really getting so tired of dealing with myself already.

At least I have Mercutio to hug and hold right now. I wish I didn't have to go through surgery for his sake...I don't want him to ever not have enough food or anything. I really love this cat...and I think he knows it, too. Maybe some day I could be as content as he is just by being alive and being loved...

It really pains me to love him because I feel that I should always be here for him more. I just can't do that, though. I need to work on things...I can't just lay around with him and hold him whenever he wants me to. I hope he understands that...

Anyway...I need to remember a lot of things......

But right now I'd really like to just get out of my house. Maybe I could sit at B&N and make a list or something. I don't know...

I'm just feeling really alone right now, and it sucks because I'm surrounded by people in this small space. And I really don't want to deal with them...nor do I want to deal with many others.

Gah. I hate being both a beggar and a chooser at the same time. It's annoying.

June 20th: W-B squircle event. Tap performance around 7:45/8:00PM.

June 23rd: Bazaar at GoH with an hour of entertainment and Ballroom Dancing lessons.

June 25th: Graduation party and Diversity performance.

------

July 15th: Hershey or Dorney? Unless I get an e-mail from Dr. Fischer and can go to Maryland for a consultation. Then I'll have to save as much as money I can so I can get the top surgery done ASAP...

July 21st-23rd: Meet with Kevin to see if he can recover any old files.

July 22nd: Wedding Reception.

Some other time in July or early August: Visit Dara in Baltimore...AND...Brandon in New York, if possible.


I hope everything is...

So I get a job, and along comes a burning desire to draw during it. Or write. Or dance.

God, I just need to be in a creative field...

...and I'm getting impatient with not having a male chest yet. For example...when I'm holding the door open for a customer that's leaving, and the guy says, "thanks bud" and makes that friendly guy-to-guy gesture of tapping his hand on my chest, I can't help but feel a little nervous inside. Sure, he just walked out the door like everything was completely normal...but was it? I mean, I'm binding with a doublefront underworks binder, but...would it really be that convincing to feel? I don't think so...

Besides, I'm sure I'm pretty much stealth at work, aside from one to three "higher up" people who are aware of my trans-status (I know one is for sure, the others are questionable). The woman who hired me said everything should be fine with it, but...I don't know, although I'm supposedly hired as male, she said she isn't legally allowed to let me go into the mens room, so I'm supposed to go into the women's room. Naturally, I needed a job, so I agreed. However, when I was in training I was told to go in the mens room to change garbage bags and such (since apparently no one else is aware of this 'situation' of mine)...so I did, and have been doing so ever since. I mean, I'm still avoiding actually using the employee restroom there (since sadly, that is also gender-designated and she's usually around that area), but if I have to for some reason then I'm hoping I won't get fired for using the mens room, because that's just what I'm planning on doing from now on.

Ah well...hopefully, anyone who is actually aware of my status just won't be there to notice. Or if they do, then hopefully they just won't say anything or have a problem with it. Anyway, I'm pretty sure that if it does become an issue, I could use it in my defense that pretty much all of the employees and customers think I'm a guy, so I didn't want to weird anyone out by going into or walking out of the women's room. Until then, I just won't bring it to anyone's attention there.

I'll write more about other things at a later time. For now, I've got to go tend to some major re-occuring sinus problems before getting ready to go back to work.

Farewell.

Damn it...Jill's graduation party is on the freakin' 17th of this month, and I thought it was the 16th. It starts at four, and I start work at five. Maybe I could switch with someone, but I doubt it since I'm going to see if I could write off being scheduled for the 20th (since I'll be going to Ashley's with Shelley that day). Gah...

Then possibly going to Hershey July 15th...although I'm not sure if I want to go. I mean...yeah, I want to see Ilze 'cause she's awesome, and I'll see Shelley and Ashley again, but I just don't know how I feel about going to a park. My bug phobia really just seems to be getting worse all the time, and I just keep thinking of how many bees I always see there...and if I'm allergic to them like my dad is (which is very possible due to how bad my allergic reaction is to mosquito bites)...

I don't know what I want to do.

No, that's a lie...I do know that I want to go to New York City and see at least one show this summer, as well as call surgeons and visit their offices to see if they think the keyhole or peri-areolar techniques will work for me - I'm determined to get the top surgery done before next summer. Aside from that, I just want to work so that I can afford those things. Hopefully, I'll get a call from this other retail place I put an application in for so that I could hold two jobs...that'd be good.

I would like to get back to my violin, though...I really, really would. Maybe I'll try to see if I can make enough money to get a tuner for it this summer too. That way I could actually continue learning how to play it, since tuning is really my biggest obstacle with the instrument right now.

Anyway, there will be more entries to come...